JAMES BROWN IS DEAD

It creeps me out how every blog mourns every celebrity in the exact same way. That said, I just can't resist a good opportunity to repost James Brown's mugshot and that techno rave song James Brown Is Dead by LA Style, which came out 15 years before his death in 1991. FYI:

• Despite the name of their most well-known song, James Brown was at that time still alive. Holy Noise made a reaction by releasing the single "James Brown Is Still Alive!" that same year. Traumatic Stress from The Netherlands then released "Who the fuck is James Brown?" in 1991 as well. "James Brown is Dead" was also sampled by German techno group Scooter on their 1999 single "Call Me Mañana"', taken from the 1998 album No Time To Chill.
  
  Presumably this all has to do with the sample of James Brown's funky drummer. As a radio DJ interested in Dance music Van Diepen probably made this track as a reaction to Pop Will Eat Itself's "Not Now, James, We're Busy".

Well that settles that one. LA Style was right after all.

I QUIT MY DAY JOB 365 DAYS AGO

...and it feels great.

HAZZARDOUS FOR YOUR HEALTH

The hotness that is gay porn star Johnny Hazzard has recently gone from skin flicks to singing pics. That is, he's trying his hand at music and music videos with the help of his long-time porn collaborator/director Chi Chi LaRue. Deeper Into You, his first original song, is in no way good and the video is even worse. But he's still really hot and half-naked so you'll probably want to watch the whole thing:

What!?!?!?! Why is he touching that exhaust fan on the roof? Why does Chi Chi cut to a close-up of it? Also, does anyone else think that this song suspiciously sound's like a bad version of Love and Rockets' So Alive? I do. I think Johnny should shut up and get naked. Or post another cute video of himself lip syncing and showing off his real dance moves. Or email me.

P.S. - A close friend of mine used to work at Franchesca's coffee shop up in Boston and used to see Mr. Hazzard on a daily basis before his porn star days when he like, worked across the street or something. I think they even cruised each other a bunch of times.

SHE'S NOT A CHRIST-IAAAAAAN!

Marguerite Perrin, who flipped her shit on Trading Spouses last year when sent to live with an ungodly tarot card reader's family, is coming back! Well, she never really went away, seeing that she has a tricked out website and all, but still. She'll appear on a Jan. 19 two-parter for the same show.

I'm sure they're so going to coach her to use new and ridiculous non-words like her trademark "slag-kicks" and "god warriors," but I'm still gonna watch. Here's the clip that got me going in the first place:


Thanks to Michael K at D-Listed, my idol blogger and karaoke singer.

DANCE CRAZE ALERT!

Hula hula hula hula hula hoop gyal.

MULTICULT-Y

Has there been any juicy cult coverage in the news lately? I was just reading a stem cell story on Drudge and reminiscing about all the amazingness that was Brigitte Boissellier, the Raelian doctor who lied about cloning humans. So while other blogs and magazines present their best of 2006 lists, I present my top three cult personalities:


1. Brigitte Boisslier, Raelian doctor extraordinaire - Four years ago, Boisselier announced that she had cloned a bunch of babies to further the Raelian race, an alleged group of 55,000 who believe life on earth started from extraterrestrial DNA. She's my number one not because she lied her ass off but because she actually dared to appear on TV with those teeth and that hair. Hopefully she hasn't cloned herself yet because NOBODY wants to see two of those.


2. Marshall Applewhite, a.k.a. Bo of Heaven's Gate - Now cruising at rocket speed behind the Hale-Bopp comet, Applewhite convinced his 38 followers to lace up their brand new black and white Nike's and kill themselves so they could be transported to the "nearby" spaceship. He also tricked some of the dudes into castrating themselves in preparation for the journey. Damn. I hope they're having fun up their. They made some pretty hot websites in their day.


3. Shoko Asahara, founder of Aum Shinrikyo a.k.a. Aum Supreme Truth - Noticing a trend here? All these cult leaders are SUCH lookers! Asahara and his doomsday cult unleashed poisonous nerve gas in a Tokyo subway station, killing twelve and injuring nearly 1000 people. He also told his followers not to eat oily meats or junk food but was found meditating shortly after the gas attack with deep-friend prawns in his fridge. What the fuck? He's awaiting execution.

I DON'T CELEBRATE XMAS

Happy Hannukah twerkers!


Special thanks to Jamie for the video.

THE VIEW

Yesterday, Christine, JR and Matt and I attended an early morning taping of The View. Okay, it wasn't really that early but we got to the uptown studio at 830am, which is earlier than I've had to wake up all year. Needless to say, I wasn't feeling chipper...


...but everybody else was.


We stood in line outside for an hour with lots of wholesome American women. That girl in the powder blue coat on the right brushed her hair about 200 time or so before entering the studio. Our crew is at the back of the line here because JR split his pants getting into the taxi cab.

There were some real gems standing outside of the studio with us, such as these two women. Lots of ladies opted to wear red and be festive for the holiday season. They also called their friends back in Ohio and Indiana to tell them they'd be on live television in two hours!!!


Inside the studio, we had to wait another hour before being seated. At this point, I was ready to pass out. Matt was so hyper that this lady told him to stop bumping into her and that he had already done it 10 times. Another lady pushed Christine to get into the elevator before her.


This is what life looks like to me at 10am. Intense and unpretty, as TLC would say.


JR posed with a photo of the twin towers in an attempt to be "funny." I told him he wasn't.


I cheered up on the way up because I was about to see Rosie, Barbara Wawa and Bette Midler, the headline guest of the day.


Before the show started, they tried to rile us up by inviting audience members to dance on stage. Notice how the ENTIRE AUDIENCE is women and fags. What's that about? Oh, and the guy and girl dancing together were quite a scene.


Watching the taping was just like watching it on TV. Rosie and Barbara had an awkward fight about rich people etiquette, Joy cracked jokes and Elizabeth whined. During commercials, Rosie would entertain the audience telling jokes or fielding questions while Barbara was made to look human again.


Seriously. Matt kept alleging that Barbara is a robot that they plug in for a few episodes each week. She's a smart cookie but that speech imediment has got to go. Her only audience interaction was to hug the slutty dancer girl for a 'be right back' spot.

After much speculation, we found out that the audience gifts were a handheld massager (read: vibrator) and Bette's Christmas cd, along with a crappy View bag. Matt was pissed because they had given away a $400 Nikon camera two days earlier...


...but not as pissed as the lady who sat next to Christine. She was like, "WHAT?!?!?!? My train ride here cost more than this crappy present!!!" I was like, ummm, you got free tickets to see a TV show. Calm down.


In the end, we made the most of our new presents, attempting to "massage" one another in our nether regions as we rode the elevator down and took the subway back to the East Village.

KOROVA MILK BLAH

When I was a wee teen living in the suburbs of NYC, I heard about Korova Milk Bar, an East Village hang out modelled after said venue from A Clockwork Orange. I only hung out in Korova once in my entire life, though I remember getting free tequila shots with my Coronas (!) and then fighting over the reclining chairs with whomever I was with. Sadly, the chairs were more memorable than the company.

Korova shuttered its doors this weekend after 10 years of intoxicating East Villagers. I won't really miss it or anything. Well, maybe the chairs, but that's it.

Those chairs!

NOW PLAYING: MS. TEEFA

I pretty much have an aversion to posting anything that I've seen elsewhere on the interweb. Luckily, Ms. Teefa has had close to zero coverage outside of her home town of Chicago thus far. Standing five feet tall, she rivals Lady Sov and Lil Kim in the shortie-with-an-attitude department. And while her jams aren't exactly dancefloor friendly, her catchy choruses play on repeat in my head day and night.

I mean, how could you not love an artiste who's upcoming album is called Grown Ass Woman?! My two favorite singles use Heyyyyyyyy! as part of the chorus ("Shortie") and refer to a man's magic stick as his Jangalang. You heard it here first folks.

Ms. Teefa - Shortie
Ms. Teefa - Jangalang
Ms. Teefa on Myspace

AS TOLD TO THE DJ: PART 2

Hostess Girl: Can I make a request?

Me: Sure.

Hostess Girl: My friend over there placed second in the national air guitar competition.

Me: Wow.

Hostess Girl: So if you play AC/DC, he said he'd perform tonight.

(editor's note: I didn't have AC/DC so I played Prince's Let's Go Crazy instead)

AS TOLD TO THE DJ: PART 1

Girl: I think you should play more reggae and reggaeton. There are alot of Bahamans in the house.

Me: Ummmm, okay.

Girl: I work for Sirius satellite radio.

Me: Cool.

Girl: You should TOTALLY get satellite radio. It's great. And it's only $12.95 a month.

Me: I don't even have cable. Or a tv. Or a car to listen where I would listen to radio.

Girl: Well, uhhh, it's free for three days. You should reconsider.

MIXER

This is an oldie but a goodie. A mix I did in April of this year. Comments are appreciated. Download here.

BRAZIL!

Since I've been receiving death threats for not updating my blog, I figured it was high time to post my pictures from Brazil. They're up at kodak gallery for the time being, so click HERE to see 'em (you don't have to sign in or anything so you can anonymously stalk me if you'd like. Just click on the album). And let me know what you think.

BIGOT OF THE WEEK: PUTIN!

Last week, former KGB spy Alexander Litvinenko died of radioactive poisoning, but not before accusing Czar Putin of orchestrating the incident. You know Putin totally did it too. He had a journalist shot dead at her apartment complex earlier this year for openly criticizing his government and now he's on an international killing spree. I'm totally fasting if and when I DJ Moscow (although Putin also killed an oil tycoon and a secretary a few years ago by poisoning their phone!)

P.S. - I wonder if Putin digs T.A.T.U.?

THE HOTNESS

I'm a lazy little blogger, but I promise to have a photo album up soon. In the meantime, feast on this dude who I totally camera-stalked at the beach last week. This is what everyone in Brazil looks like (aka perfect):

Back from Brazil

Last week, I traveled south of the equator to visit Salvador, Brazil's third largest city. I'll be posting some pictures later on in the week but for now, I give you with The Bottle Dance, a late 90s dance craze that swept through Brazil. Apparently, they played videos like this in the middle of the afternoon. Even my friend's 83-year-old grandma did the bottle dance for me when I mentioned it. I'm thinking of repopularizing it in New York:

BIGOT OF THE WEEK: NAOMI CAMPBELL

Naomi Campbell made another court appearance this morning defending herself against charges that she threw a cell phone at her maid. Here's a choice NY Times quote:

Ms. Gibson, who worked for Ms. Campbell from November 2005 to last January, described her former boss as a “violent super-bigot.” She said in her lawsuit that Ms. Campbell had made discriminatory comments like, “Romanians are not usually as dumb as you?”

I WANT YOUR SAKS

I got a call Friday evening to DJ at Saks Fifth Avenue on Saturday afternoon. I had never actually been inside Saks before but I found my way to the 5th floor (contemporary women's clothes) to play a five-hour set.

When I showed up, I asked where to go and they pointed to this DJ console smack in the middle of the main walkway and that was it. No music directions, no volume regulations, nothing. So naturally, I threw on Peaches' Fuck the Pain Away. Just kidding.


Rachel came by to visit right when I started. I thought she was with a friend but it turns out that she babysits for that girl. I couldn't exactly talk because I was like, working or something but she was like, "Crank it up!" and so the music got louder.


Nobody really spoke to me for the five hours I stood there which was sort of strange. Some customers requested Nelly Furtado or Dru Hill (???) but that's about it. Oh, and EVERY Saks salesperson is gay and loves when you play Mariah Carey. One guy even said to me, "my customers lovvvvvve Mariah Carey so play lots of her." Your customers?


Oh, and next time I DJ at a corporate space or event, I am not wearing this shirt. I think 20 people asked me if I was Canadian or smiled and said, "I love Canada too!" I was like, ummmmmm...fuck the pain away.

NOW PLAYING: ANYTHING REMIXED BY SEBASTIAN

I'm not the biggest Rapture fan in the world. I wasn't so into House of Jealous Lovers and so I never checked out the rest of their debut album. Then when the new one came out, I dug "Get Myself Into It" but never bothered to check out the rest of that album either. I know. I'm like, the only person in New York not feeling them. Boo hoo.

Enter Sebastian, DJ extrodinaire hailing from France who works wonders with his thunderous blasts of electronic noise followed by clever silences that, when strung together, create the most seductive of beats. Here's his mix of The Rapture's Get Myself Into It.

I USED TO BE OBSESSED WITH YODELS

Sometimes I have no idea what to write about. Since I showed this video to two people in the past 24hrs, I figured it'd be THE thing to share. It's the new Gwen Stefani video "Wind It Up" from her upcoming album.



Yeah, it's annoying. Yeah, Jewel brought that whole yodelling thing to the mainstream 10 years ago, but I kind of think the beat is hot and Jacques Lu Cont or Richard X or Sebastian could do remix wonders with this.

P.S. - I saw Jewel yodel in concert, but only because she was opening for Neil Young along with the Afghan Whigs. And yes, I wore flannel to the concert.

TEMPTATION

The hoodie obsession continues. Which do you like better? I nearly bought the Nike windbreaker this afternoon but then asked myself, "When in the world would I wear a windbreaker?"

SUGAR DADDY'S

This weekend, I worked at the yummiest bakery ever, Tompkins Square Bakery. For all of my stalkers: Tompkins is located on 10th st. between Avenues A and B. When I work there, people always ask how late we stay open and what time we open in the mornings. I don't actually know what time Tompkins Square Bakery opens because I've never been up that early.


One customer, Bertha, is a heavy-set elderly lady who came in this weekend asking for a slice of cake and a cup of hot water. Bertha likes to bring her own instant coffee mix to the bakery with her so she won't have to pay a dollar for ours. A woman after my own heart.

HALLOWEENERS

I skipped that whole let's-celebrate-Halloween-on-Saturday thing and attempted to go all out on the actual day of the devil, which fell on a Tuesday this year.

First stop was Matt's, who lives next to Plan B, a neighborhood bar. We're friendly with Jordan, the manager, who dressed up as a half-naked Slash. He's single too, ladies.


Anthony was all pissed cuz we were 20 minutes late, meaning he was waiting on the corner dressed as a hasidic jew for a while. His pissy attitude really worked well with his costume though. That's me as Hugh Hefner. Thanks to everyone for not telling me about the baby powder on my forehead.


Our first party stop was our friend Ludo's, who invited mostly french people to his apartment like his friend Orlion (left). Ludo's clown costume was horrifying and I couldn't really look at him the whole night.


Next, we dropped by Nowhere bar and met up with Peter (above). At this point, I was drunk and can only remember someone saying to me, "Can you believe there are THREE Frida Kahlo's here?!!"


The Phoenix was pretty empty and unremarkable. Bartender Jimbo was dressed as an M&M with nuts. I thought that was pretty creative. I guess I've lowered my standards since my days
as Kim Jong Il and Lynndie England.


Of COURSE Jefferson was at the Phoenix playing pool. Otherwise it wouldn't really be the Phoenix now would it? He's Brazilian and doesn't speak to me even though I see him five times a week each and every week. Maybe there's a language barrier there.


Next door at Boysroom, the go-go boys were dressed as prepubescent hookers for hire. Just kidding. Those aren't costumes---that's their every day attire, and by every day, I mean every night when they dance at the Boysroom for dirty, old men.



Rainblo did some rock and roll lip sync something at the Cock. I was too busy talking to Matt or something to notice, but s/he had two back up dancers and gave tupperware filled with confetti to people standing in the front to throw at him/her at the end of his number.


Andy won best costume of the night, in my humble opinion. And he's supposed to be Karen O. from the Yeah Yeah Yeah's, not Frankenfurter, as JR suggested.



East Village Andrew showed up at as a gym coach, but like, one who wears super gay tank tops.


Matt met this really cute Irish steward for British Airways who insisted on walking the streets with an open bottle of beer. I was totally freaking out about this and was like, NOOOOOOOOOOO. You're SOOOOOOO going to get arrested (he didn't).


And Matt often asks how I describe him to other people, to which I always tell him, "out of control." I think this photo, taken at 3:23am, pretty much proves my point.

LOVE IS THE MESSAGE

Courtney Love was in New York yesterday to sign her new book and talk turkey about sobriety on the View. Here's the clip. And she's dating a 20 year old. And her daughter is 14.

BIGOT OF THE WEEK

P.W. Botha kicked the bucket today. He was one of those old, stuffy white guys who led South Africa during the apartheid era and was totally pissed off when apartheid ended cuz it meant that he'd have to retire rather than order more executions and assassinations.

This sounds like somebody totally would have dressed up as for Halloween this year, dammit! Given my track record for contemporary evil costumes (Kim Jong Il in 2003, Lynndie England in 2004, Snickers in 2005), Botha would have been perfect. Oh well. Hopefully, Hugh Heffner's kiddie porn collection will be uncovered tomorrow and tonight's costume will once again be relevant and timely.