GOOD TIMES AT EASTERN BLOC

Gay bar madness! I DJed a party at Eastern Bloc this Wednesday for my friend Jimmy, who leads an extravagant double life as a promoter and a travel writer. This week, while he tanned in Mexico, his friend Chris and I turned out the new Kelly Rowland for those who braved the snow.

We started off mellow. Chris got into some Sneaker Pimps shit which got the crowd moving.


Lucile (right) and crew rocked out when Chris dropped Luscious Jackson.


East Village gays have the sexiest beards.


You can't tell but Marko is rocking a Manhunt Valentine's Day tshirt. Yes he did.


Matt (left) likes to pretend he's jewish. Too bad he didn't bring out his curly-haired jew wig.


Stephen and Nate both really really tall. And bearded. And cute.


Cesar and Christine basically made out all night.


And Will explained that he likes to go-go to 80s jams like Cyndi Lauper (???)


Then he told me that he'll REALLY work the pole if I play some country music (???????)


But I opted for, ummmm, the new Kelly Rowland. And Lil Mama's Lip Gloss.


Paul knows how to work a pole too.


And Marc (right) now knows how to work a (cinnamon) roll thanks to baking lessons from Matt. See you next Wednesday.

CRUSH OF THE WEEK: OSAMA BIN LADEN

Because he likes hoodies and so do I. We're a match made in jewish-muslim heaven!

BIGOT OF THE WEEK: ME

Am I totally racist/sexist or is it really hard to tell Beyonce and Shakira apart in the photo above? It's a still from their new video, which kind of sucks (as does the song) but I'm sure I'll get tons of requests for it in the next two weeks.

For good music, check out my music blog.

And for the full video, click here.

COBAIN JR.

Frances Bean! You are looking more and more like your late daddy every single day. When are you going to put out that record that everyone in the entire world knows you are going to make?

READY FOR THIS?

Reminder! I have a new music blog called Twerk It Out. I posted DJ Orgasmic's remix of the track below, though the video is superb in its own 1991 right.

PSYCHIC HOTLINE

[source]

PEOPLE CAN'T DANCE NO MORE

The New York State Supreme Court upheld an 80-year-old ban on dancing in places without special cabaret licenses, which are expensive and hard to get. I'm totally moving to Jersey where gay marriage is now legal and you can dance your pants off anywhere you'd like.

ANNA NICOLE'S CUTOUT

Mega creepy item buried in today's CNN article on the battle to bury Anna Nicole Smith:

At times, [according to Howard K. Stern on the witness stand], Smith cried herself to sleep clutching a large cardboard cutout of Daniel. She refused to accept his death, he said.

I'm gonna go snuggle up to my big cardboard cutout of Anna now.

BIGOT OF THE WEEK: VIRGIE!

Anna Nicole Smith's mom (or "birth mother," as Anna Nicole liked to say) has come out of the woodwork to blame drugs, Howard K. Stern and probably Hugh Heffner for the death of her daughter. Though Anna was estranged from her mom for like, her whole life, Virgie has no problem showing up now and offering to babysit Anna's daughter Dannilyn to the tune of $474 million. Methinks Virgie would have a hard time gaining custody though, especially since she bears a strong resemblance to Jabba the Hut.

Choice quotes from Anna on her mom (from the video below):
"She's not my mother. She's my birth mother."
"SHE DOESN'T KNOW ME!"
"She was too jealous of me."
"Bring it on, mommy dearest. Bring it on."

BIG TINGS A GWAN

Yes, I've been binging on dancehall, and yes, it has occurred to me that this isn't the best forum to share music. Hence, I present to you, TWERK IT OUT: a music blog for the people.

I've been trying to post one song a day to have a little consistency in my life but it has only been three days (fine, four. Cut me some slack). Though you can't exactly twerk to the current posts, I'm sure you can dutty wine, hula hoop and do the chicken noodle soup to at least one of the songs.

Please enjoy and email or post for requests.

TWERK IT OUT

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

Happy Valentine's Day! I'll be staying in tonight and working on my blog that I've neglected for the past week or so. And yes, the picture above is supposed to represent a washed up Valentine's Day, though the heart should probably be blacker and more tarred up. Wah wahhhhhhhh.

I SECRETLY LIKE THE NEW AVRIL LAVIGNE

"I'M the motherfuckin' princess."

Avril Lavigne - Girlfriend

SPACE FIGHT!

Astronaut Lisa Marie Nowak (above, right) was arrested at Orlando airport Monday morning after allegedly driving all the way from Texas to meet and beat a young woman competing for Nowak's co-astronaut love interest Bill Oefelein (above, left). Wearing a wig and trenchcoat, Nowak jumped in the younger lover's car and peppersprayed her. Now charged with battery and attempted kidnapping, Nowak drove to Florida armed with a knife, BB gun, rubber tubing and plastic bags.

Yikes! Just imagine being stuck on a spaceship with her!

BODY FUSION

Feel the burn.

COKED UP

A Coca-Cola admin. assistant has been found guilty! guilty! guilty! of plotting to steal the soda company's secrets and sell them to Pepsi. Homegirl was expecting $1.5 million in exchange for formulas on a new product.

Doesn't this sound so Willy Wonka and retarded and 80s all at the same time? It makes me think of Billy Joel screaming "Rock and Roller cola wars, I can't take it anymore!" Like, why was he so angry about cola wars? Anywho, she's looking at 10 years in the clink, soda not included.

In sort of unrelated news, arab superstar and Coke poster girl Nancy Ajram (left) reminds me that my favorite middle eastern slut, Haifa Wehbe, got married this weekend. It is a sad day for horny straight men around the world, though I'm sure she'll divorce her rich business man husband in like, two months and start gold digging again in no time.

For now, enjoy Haifa's single, Wawa, which means "boo-boo," but is also slang for cooch.

BIGOT OF THE WEEK: DONNIE DAVIES

This doesn't really need any foreword, but be warned: it's way catchy.

That's right. God hates fags, and if you're a fag, he hates you too. Youtubers are going crazy trying to figure out if the ex-homosexual singer Donnie Davies is in fact a satirical character. Alls I have to say is: check out that handlebar moustache. Oh, and I'm signing up for...

STARBLOGGING: TONY BENNETT

Sorry for the absence. I've been listening to Disco D mixes at the gym and getting really sad. (Wahh wahhhhh a la Debbie Downer.)

Last night, I was dining at the ever-affordable Sidewalk Cafe around 10something when Tony Bennett walked in, suited up in a tie and jacket, followed by two women who could have been his wife and granddaughter. Of course, another patron insisted on clapping (!) and saying, "Heyyyyy! To-neeeeeee!" which was quite embarassing but I'm sure he gets that like, every hour on the hour.

He looked exactly like he does in this picture but hobbled a bit more than I would have expected. Maybe because he's like, 80something.

DEATH OF THE DISCO

Dave Shayman a.k.a. Disco D was found dead yesterday morning of an apparent suicide. He was 26.

I discovered Disco D when he DJed the basement of Webster Hall during a 2002 Electroclash party. Princess Superstar grabbed the mic and rapped to their collaborative track, "Fuck Me on the Dancefloor" and thus my love for ghettotech began.

I spoke to Dave on the phone a few months later and he helped me figure out which DJ software and hardware to buy when I decided to pursue DJing. I also introduced him to my friend Becky, who had a short-lived fling with him (or so she said).

Christine and I went to a few of Dave's parties at Plant Bar before he moved to New York and moved his monthly Booty Bar party to Filter 14, which I attended religiously. I also saw him at Sway maybe a year ago and forgot how he always had his tongue out when he worked the turntables (see pic above).

More recently, Disco D worked with 50 Cent and then Kevin Federline on his debut album. Last month, I emailed him about an internship but he said he was closing down his New York studio and that I should just buy some sampling equipment and experiment cuz that's what he did. So that's what I'm gonna do.

Bye Dave. You're an inspiration and you'll be missed.


Let's Hug It Out (Diplo Mix) - Disco D
Freestyle - Lola Damone (from Disco D's A Night at the Booty Bar)

SWEDE PARADISE

Last weekend, my Swedish friends Johan and Peter came to town. This is noteworthy because a) they're awesome, and b) I have good reason to go on a huuuuuuuge bar crawl.


We started off at Sweet Paradise after some sipping whiskey. Johan was trying to flash the camera as usual.


Peter is a bit more camera shy. He used to be in the Swedish version of the Marines, which is like, not really the marines because Sweden is a peaceful country.


Next up, we headed to Home Sweet Home, where some rapper dude was trying to rhyme for the crowd but we couldn't really hear him so we just talked over him and took pictures.


At 205 Club, I started snapping photos of Johan with the ladies because ladies love Johan. He didn't actually speak to this girl or anything but she made for a nice photo.


Upstairs, I got Johan to start talking to this lady, who stood about 6' 4". Johan is petrified of tall woman and was only being a good sport for the camera. He scurried away quickly after I took this shot.


Ryan met up with us as we headed up to Kabin...


...and whadayaknow? Ryan and Christine (who had never met before) were wearing the EXACT SAME HOODY. Embarassing much?

Paul was also rocking the American Apparel stripes. The bouncer at Kabin used to call Paul "Buttons" because he's cute as a button. Awwwwwwwww.

Then we went to Lit and got really debaucherous. When we left, it was snowing for the first time all winter. A macho snowball fight ensued between Johan and Peter.

We also got pizza and Peter ate like, 5 or 6 slices. I guess that's how they roll in the Swedish marines.


Then Peter slipped dodging a snowball and called a truce with Johan. See. They're so peaceful, those Swedes. This is how Peter rolls in America...down the street.

PIMP MY RIDE

So apparently some Okies had the brilliant idea to bury a brand new Plymouth Belvedere in Tulsa some 50 years ago just so it could be unearthed in 2007. That's like, now. This year marks Tulsa's centennial, and what better way to celebrate than to dig up a gas-guzzling hot rod!

As dumb as this may seem, I'm kind of into it. I mean, they filled the car with old relics like a case of Schlitz beer (!). The car goes to whomever's relatives guessed the correct Tulsa population in 2007. I think I should get it, since my relatives could have told you that nobody was going to care about Tulsa in 2007 and this was going to be the biggest Oklahoma event since the car's burial.

BIGOT OF THE WEEK: QANTAS

Australia's largest airline, Qantas, booted a British dude from an international flight for wearing a tshirt with a pic of Bush that said, "World's #1 Terrorist."

I flew Qantas once upon a time and they offered me enough wine to induce alcohol poisoning. Next time, I'm totally wearing the most offensive tshirt I can find, like my vintage "Iran Sucks" gem from the early 80s.

COUSINS. IDENTICAL COUSINS.

Last weekend, my cousin's wife Sarah came into the city from Connecticut to see me DJ. Unfortunately, I got bumped at the last minute, but since Sarah is my age but has 3 kids, she was like, LETS PARTY!!!!!!

So I took her to the Phoenix. Everyone was like, who's this? (isn't that what it looks like Matt is thinking here?) She wasn't drinking cuz she had to drive.

But she turned into a total pool shark! It was way crowded up front but we hung out near the pool table while she schooled every fag in the place till the bar closed at 4am.


We walked her back to her mini-van, which was plastered with like, 200 bumperstickers.

And roses on the antenna.


Then she was like, oh, I don't know where my keys are. I dropped them in the car when I shut it off but I always leave my doors unlocked anyway. So we're like, ummmmm, and she starts kicking the shit out of that cassette holder seen here cuz she thought they were behind it.

Turns out they were in her pocketbook.

BIGOT(S) OF THE WEEK: CAST OF BIG BROTHER UK

International shit has been going down even since celebrity Big Brother UK houseguests started calling their Bollywood superstar roommate "the Indian" and making fun of her accent. They've also said that the roommate, Shipa Shetty, wants to be lighter-skinned and that Indians are so thin because they ate undercooked food, which makes them ill.

Ummmm, do they not remember that they're on national television? Apart from the fact that London might as well be called Bombay part two, these hos better watch out if they ever travel to the subcontinent: India's two leading papers ran front-page stories and TV channels have been airing the racist remarks as well. Curry fiiiiiiiiiiight!

FAMOUS FRIENDS!

My friend Kevin, the hottest two-spirit around, won the handsome title 'Gay of the Year' over at OutZoneTV.com. Not that I know what OutZoneTV is or anything (I think his boyfriend might work for them), but congrats. I will now add a link to his blog so you can track the happenings of a rising celeb.

WINE-O

I'm going to see Amy "Wino" Winehouse on Tuesday. I hope she's as drunk as she was for this British TV performance.

POLLY WILL BE HERE ALL NIGHT FOLKS

Does anyone else find this story slightly creepy?

A captive African grey called N'kisi has a vocabulary of 950 words and shows signs of a sense of humour. He invents his own words and phrases if he is confronted with novel ideas with which his existing repertoire cannot cope - just as a human child would do.

When he first met Dr Jane Goodall, the renowned chimpanzee expert, after seeing her in a picture with apes, N'kisi said: "Got a chimp?"

Then I bet he was like, go back to the rainforest, bitch.

TAKE THAT

I've been at a loss for what to blog about, so I'm going to let you in on what I'm doing THIS VERY INSTANT: watching this very random Robbie Williams live DVD that I got in the mail as a promo.

Robbie Williams isn't all that fun if you don't live in the UK where his pop songs play all day and night. Since I lived in London for six months, I was totally stoked to see Love Supreme performed live and know all the words to the cheesy rap interlude.

But he's damn sexy, which is probably why people like to watch him. Kind of like how I thought Simon Le Bon was damn sexy when I saw Duran Duran in concert. Did I just type that?

I LOVE NEW YORK

Yeah, the new show might suck when it premieres tonight but I found this strange promo on youtube where New York twists her face up and repeatedly falls into Red Oyster. I thought snitches get stitches.

BIGOT OF THE WEEK: HEATHER MILLS

And it's not because the former Ms. McCartney wants four houses from her ex-hubby. It's because she straight up beat a lady with her fake leg when said lady tried to snap a cell phone photo of Heather at an English Starbucks.

"I took out my mobile and tried to take her picture," says Emma Levy, the woman who took the beating. "She jumped up, grabbed me by the throat and pushed me towards the door. She lashed out with her left leg, kicking me in the bum. I have a big bruise.”

Since there's no song called Beat That Bitch With A Prosthetic Leg, I give you Johnny Dangerous' classic house jam, Beat That Bitch With A Bat.

ABBY! BRITTY!

Doesn't this seem like a lost episode of (Two) Strangers With Candy? I was obsessed with Abby and Britty then and I'm obsessed with Abby and Britty now. I love how they try to make fun of their science teacher too. Like, excuse me?

REALLY DEEP CUTS

Happy New Year! A long time ago, my friend from Stockholm came to visit with a strange electro-pop cd in tow. Three years later, nearly everyone knows the Knife. But has everyone heard them live? Well here you go—my New Year's gift to you.

The Knife - Live! (six tracks)